An economist breaks up with his girlfriend

After all, it's good to be data driven.  From Josh Freedman in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency.

It’s Not You, It’s Quantitative Cost-Benefit Analysis.

Susan, we need to talk. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. About us. I really like you, but ever since we met in that econ class in college I knew there was something missing from how I felt: quantitative reasoning. We can say we love each other all we want, but I just can’t trust it without the data. And after performing an in-depth cost-benefit analysis of our relationship, I just don’t think this is working out. 
Please know that this decision was not rash. In fact, it was anything but—it was completely devoid of emotion. I just made a series of quantitative calculations, culled from available OECD data on comparable families and conservative estimates of future likelihoods. I then assigned weights to various “feelings” based on importance, as judged by the relevant scholarly literature. From this, it was easy to determine that given all of the options available, the winning decision on both cost-effectiveness and comparative-effectiveness grounds was to see other people. 
It’s not you, it’s me. Well, it’s not me either: it’s just common sense, given the nature of my utility function.

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